The few, the proud...and all my love

Veterans Day...

A day of remembrance. A day of reflection. A day of honor. A day of thanks.

"This nation will remain the land of the free only so long as it is the home of the brave." -Elmer Davis

"Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of readiness to die." -G.K. Chesterton

Today is Veterans Day. So, as I sit here reflecting upon that fact, I can't help but find my thoughts tracing back to my grandfather. Alton William Fuller: grandfather, father, husband, friend, Marine. My grandfather is many things: a brave man, good man, an inspiration, an example, and so much more.

I'm so thankful to have this amazing man in my life, and though I don't get as much time with him as I would like...he is forever an influence in my life, in my person. Grandpa Bill is wonderful, there is so much I could say for him, about him, to him. I wouldn't even, don't even, know where to begin. I love him as only a grand-daughter can love a grandfather. It's a never ending, altruistic yet also selfish, unconditional kind of love. Nearly impossible to explain; impossible to put into words.

Grandpa isn't perfect, by any means. Heaven knows he's made mistakes. Just as anyone else...the man is only human; I wouldn't have him any other way. But even in his mistakes, he manages to be an example, a guiding light. To me at least, if not to anyone else. I might not have the most traditional relationship with my grandfather, and I might not see him or spend time with him as frequently as one might assume, or as frequently as I would like (despite a relatively close vicinity in our physical locations). Other factors in life have always managed to interfere with this option. However, whether I get to see him every day, every week, every month, or every year, it wouldn't matter, I would still feel the same way. Perhaps the lack of time we get makes the time we have that much more valuable. I treasure every moment and every memory I have as if it were gold. My memories might be few and far between, but to me they are a treasure trove that will be cherished forever.

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them." -John Fitzgerald Kennedy

My grandfather has taught me how to be. Maybe without even realizing it. I can safely say that I wouldn't be the person I am today, without the influence my grandpa has had in my life. For many reasons, many silent lessons, and through that unconditional love that I believe to go both ways.

Things I inherited from my grandfather (and/or my mother through grandpa):
* My love of spice
* My love of food
* My addiction to jalepenos
* My strong sense of humor
* My stubborn streak
* My strong work ethic
* My perseverance and ability to keep pushing forward
* My ability to roll with the punches
* The gift of gab
* The ability to have humble pride

Things I've learned from my grandfather (and/or my mother through grandpa):
* To take accountability
* Responsibility
* To be cautious about life choices
* To deal with consequences and make the best of bad situations
* To remember without looking back or holding yourself back
* To embrace mistakes and learn from them rather than run from them
* To not allow distance or lack of time dictate feelings for important people in our lives
* To be choosy about who I let into my heart
* To never let go of those already in my heart
* To push myself for self improvement
* Not to be afraid of indulging (and trying to remember moderation with that)

Things I want to say to my grandfather:
* Thank you. For your service, your influence, your steadfastness, your love, your humor, for so many things. For being you, for being my grandfather, and for enriching my life by being a part of it. And so much more.
* I love you
* You never cease to inspire me, whether through words, memories, or example
* Though we've had little time, I value every second I've gotten
* It's a privilege to be your grand-daughter

While this day is important for everyone to remember and thank all Veterans, and while I'm so grateful for all the men and women who serve, I'm also thankful for the reflections of my own personal Vet. My wonderful grandfather. This day is for all veterans, but this day is for you too grandpa! All my love goes out, especially to you.

Enveloped in self destruction...

Here I sit. Enveloped in this self destructive thought: "What is wrong with me?"

Logically, I know that I shouldn't allow these thoughts to linger. Yet, for some reason I can not seem to push them from my mind this evening. Heaven knows the answer to this question is a list a mile long. I have my faults, just as any other human living on this little blue dot we call Earth, we call home. For some reason, despite all this knowledge, I can't seem to shake this feeling that it's more than just those general faults. That there is some bigger picture. Something seriously wrong or disturbed in me. Something that causes so much doubt, and pain, and trouble in my life. If knowledge is half the battle, why does it seem the battle has just begun? With all my knowledge I can't fight this off.

Don't get me wrong, things have been going really, really well for me lately. I can list so many great aspects in my life. I'm truly blessed, and I truly love where I am. I have a great job, which I love. I'm doing well at said job. Making progress in a lot of areas of my life. Taking steps toward trying to make myself a better person. Trying to improve. Growing. And up until just very recently I had a fabulous relationship that was going really well. Now, I'm not sure on that last point. It's a fabulous relationship indeed, I just am unsure about the going really well part. Still trying to figure out exactly where I stand. That small fact aside, I have so much to be grateful for. So much to be proud of. So much to look forward to.

But this empty feeling is coming from somewhere else. Perhaps I just can't deal with stress anymore, because I seem to have more than my fair share as of late. At times I think my tests of strength aren't scattered and spread well enough. It seems I barely have time to recover before the next test of my strength comes along to weaken my spirits again. I marvel at the cruel joke. How can I continue to get through everything with my head held high, if I'm not able to get back up to par before being dwindled down lower again? And maybe that's where this feeling is stemming from. Just that, and that alone. Or maybe not.

I can't help but wonder if it's something more though. I've worked so hard. Worked so hard on my self esteem and self image. But it seems no matter how hard I work, I fall back into this pit of self doubt and near self loathing time and time again. I'm not sure how many times I can climb to pull myself out again. How long until I pass near self loathing and fall completely into that hole; into actual self loathing?

I have been fighting back these tears for a couple of weeks now, being the emotion bottler that I am. Here, now, this night, I can't fight them back any longer. So they fall. As they fall they bring with them that enveloping thought. Now I sit, and I cry, and I wonder. Needing to sleep, yet sleep eluding. Instead, just, hollow...something...maybe fear? Hollow fear. Is that what this feeling is? I honestly can't tell. I can't describe what I feel.

Exhaustion? Stress? Fear? Sorrow? Self doubt is for sure, but what is triggering it?

I've struggled so hard in my life to become confident. It seems as though the struggle will never fully be over for me. As I grow, the battles become less frequent. But also as I grow, the falls are that much harder. Deeper. Longer. And the climb to get back where I was becomes more difficult. I will pull myself up again, I know that I will. It's just hard to say when. And so, the question returns again, "What is wrong with me?"

I feel like there is more than simple faults. I feel like there is something major, gnawing at me. And I don't know why. I don't know where it's coming from. All I know is that I feel like that damaged little girl I once was. I feel like that high school student watching helplessly as my life falls apart. The memories are haunting me. Or maybe just the feelings are. Or maybe it's both. I'm just trying to breathe. Sobbing, isn't this supposed to help me cry myself to sleep?

I'm tired. To quote myself from an earlier posting:

"When I'm honest with myself, I'm getting really sick of picking up the pieces and trying to make a masterpiece. It's hard to paint a pretty picture of anything with only shards of hope and shattered dreams. Then again, life is always going to consist of moving forward despite the pain. If there was no pain, we wouldn't be alive."

And that statement still rings true today. My life still has a tendency to fall apart and scatter around my feet leaving me feeling helpless. It did then. It does now. It probably always will. Perhaps it's just part of life. No matter the reason, I am tired.

I've said this before, but I'm saying it again: tears help to grow your strength. Like watering a garden, it's necessary. And so I let them fall for a moment. And onward I go. Difficult, yes, but with nowhere else to go except forward, I'm left with little choice. So onward indeed. Now I'm just hoping that this little venting session I've allowed myself will grant me the precious commodity of sleep. Now that the tear shed is thinning perhaps I'll try again.

Things should look better in the morning. Sleeping on problems is supposed to make them more manageable, or so I hear, so I'm giving it a shot. Back on the journey to discovering myself, once again. Forever. And always.

Deep breaths.

Thanks for listening...or for reading. And as always, don't forget to breathe. I'm trying over here.

Breathing. In. And out. Deep Breaths. I can't forget to breathe.

Mistakes, realizations, and lessons learned

Where to start? ...So much has been happening, I don't know where to start. I guess just starting wherever is as good a place as any.

Once upon a time I wasn't terrified of love. But now, now the story has definitely changed. It's safe to say that I've now become afraid of that one thing everybody wants and needs. I mean, don't get me wrong here, I still yearn for it. With every fiber of my being. I still desire to have love in my life. To find that ever elusive, fickle thing called love. I want it, possibly, more than anything else. However, that yearning desire doesn't stop me from fearing it. It doesn't stop that pesky L word, love thing, from scaring the HELL out of me.

Needless to say, I'm very gun shy in relationships. I hesitate to jump too fast. It generally doesn't stop me from jumping all together, but it just takes me a while to get to that point where I can jump. Usually, longer than it takes most people to get to that point. See, I've built up these walls around my heart for protection. I hold myself back in order to attempt protecting myself from getting hurt. Doesn't always work out so well either. And it's apparently really hard for most people to understand. I guess, the way I see it, the only way for somebody to understand it is for them to have similar feelings and reservations. Until you build up these kind of emotional safe guards within yourself, you don't know or understand just how distressful it can be when you start seeing yourself bypassing these safe guards. It surely makes it easy for your mind and emotions to go into code red, freak out mode.

So, I have built up this intricate series of emotional safe guards. I've been building up this invisible security system around myself for years. Fine tuning this to a point where I can be totally unaware of how far out of a position I have actually taken myself. Sometimes I honestly think I've been opening up, only to realize that actually I have not been opening up at all.

If you know anything about me, you know that I'm a walking contradiction in so many ways and on so many levels in my life. So this should come as no shock, my emotions are no different. In the category "Matters of the heart", I can definitely be a walking contradiction as well. Sometimes my own emotions can be mysterious even to me. Especially to me.

Now that I have given you an idea of just how hard relationships are for me to navigate in the beginning stages, I can go into story mode.

I started sort of seeing, or dating, this really amazing man recently. In the last few weeks. We seemed to hit it off instantly. I felt very, very comfortable with him from the get go. It appeared that he seemed to feel the same way. It's been crazy, and very scary, how quickly I found myself starting to get attached to him. I KNEW that I liked him without a doubt. What I didn't, or rather couldn't (maybe wouldn't) let myself know was exactly how much it was that I liked him. There's those fine, high quality emotional safe guards at work again.

He had stopped seeing other people. I knew he wasn't seeing anyone else. I knew I hadn't felt the desire to see anyone else, and hadn't been setting up any other dates since we met. However, I was also very hesitant to jump to "relationship" mode. It's me. I don't jump. I refuse to jump. Not quickly. I HAVE to take my time...if you try to force me into something like that too quickly, it generally results in losing me altogether. He knew I was hesitating for that status. He also knew that I wasn't ruling it out in the future. Obviously I knew I liked him, I would consider making things more serious. The key was, in the future. I didn't know how long that meant. I just knew I was too freaked out to do it now. And the more I began to like him, the more scared and freaked out I began to get. Self destructive safe guards I have here, indeed.

Anyway, here I was. Not wanting a relationship, but not wanting separation either. Basically I had no idea what I wanted. And that was disconcerting in itself. Then one night, he seems distant. Or vaguely upset. Or...I couldn't tell what, but just seemed off. I asked him what the face meant (which I do a lot, but this time it was apparent to be more than a normal "what was that face for?", I was slightly concerned). He insisted it was nothing. I was falling asleep. He left to go home, and then after leaving he texted me admitting that he was upset/frustrated. Which was a bit frustrating to me, wishing he had talked to me about it before leaving instead of having a little "text fight" while I was falling asleep. I knew if I tried to straighten it out then, I would end up falling asleep between texts and making matters worse so I tell him we need to discuss it later. The next morning I text him (knowing he's asleep still since he works graveyards) saying that I know he's sleeping. Saying that I'm sorry, and that I really do like him. Admitting to him that I'm actually really surprised by how much I like him. All of which is true. Those safe guards I have in place aren't fully working. Emotions are getting through. Strong emotions. This can be pretty scary. So I send the text containing all of this very true information, of which I mean every single word.

Shortly after sending the text, and before the amazing man awakens to discuss anything with me, another guy texts me. A guy who has been trying to take me out for quite some time, all the while I've been basically shrugging him off because I had no desire to set up other dates. Well this other guy texts, asking again to meet me for coffee. I'm still really upset. Really confused. Concerned that all of my serious conversations or disputes will become text fights, fearing that he will never speak to me in person about issues, thus causing issues to become bigger. Fearing the fact that I'm thinking so intently about a possible future with this man. Upset and unable to decipher so many things. And waiting on a response to a text that I feared would end with him dumping me anyway. Just all kinds of counterproductive thoughts and emotions racing through me, which I couldn't control or figure out. So I agree to a coffee date. Needing a distraction. Needing to stop thinking. Needing...something...but not knowing what.

Here's where the mistake kicks in (sort of). So coffee/hot chocolate "date" is set up. I arrange the time. Stop worrying for the time being. Now later on, after all this takes place, the man wakes up and responds. We talk a bit. Sort of diffuse the mini text fight. Diffuse the situation. In the mean time, my tire blows out on my car. Second flat in two weeks. I tell him that I'm changing a tire. He offers to come pick me up from the tire place so I don't have to sit there waiting. Such a sweetheart. He melted my face into a smile right then. As we're out and about the tire place calls me back with unfortunate news, letting me know additional work needs to be done in order to repair the problem, along with the alignment we had discussed. Second piece of bad news being that they can't get to it that night and need to keep my car over night. I'm trying to figure out how to get to work the next day. Without missing a beat he IMMEDIATELY offers to drive me back to work so I can finish what I need to. Offers to come pick me up from work again when I'm done and take me home. AND offers to come pick me up in the morning (after his graveyard shift) to give me a ride to work in the morning. Total knight in shining armor. Total sweep me off my feet kind of moment. This amazing man just became even more amazing. I began to like him even more. I forget momentarily that I've set up a coffee date.

Next day, the time for the coffee meeting approaches and that other guy texts to confirm. I probably should have canceled it. Not entirely sure why I didn't. Heaven knows I'm falling for this amazing man. I begin to admit to myself that I'm falling for this amazing man. But that's probably half the reason I didn't cancel. I'm having a mental freak out still. My safe guards are beginning to malfunction and come down, and that's scaring the shit out of me. So I go get hot chocolate. There's the mistake. But it's only sort of a mistake, because the second part of this is: while I'm sitting here in this little coffee shop, all I can think is "I wish I was here with that amazing guy. I wish I was sitting here with Andrew." And in that moment, when all I can think about is him, and I'm barely even aware of the conversation I'm having with this other person, I had a moment of clarity. A realization. One of those "EUREKA!" kind of moments. Suddenly it became clear that I absolutely did not want to date or see anybody else. At all. Not just that I didn't have an urge to seek out anything else, but that the thought of agreeing to see anybody else actually upset me. That this incredible individual was actually all I wanted, and nothing else. Which, is also scary. And so the nervousness about the whole thing doesn't leave. But I have now officially made the decision that I absolutely do NOT want to see anybody else, not just kinda thought it, I now KNOW for sure.

I go straight to my brother's house from this awkward coffee meet up, and talk to him about the situation. Confide in him for advice and to help me sort out this jumble of emotions and thoughts that has become my walking mess. He helps me straighten it out, and make it even more clear and apparent that I've made a decision to basically jump. Speaking with him, and just discussing everything makes it impossible to ignore the fact that not only am I falling for this guy. I'm falling hard. Really hard. And there's no stopping it. So, I'm sitting there figuring out how and when is the best way to go about telling Andrew about this. To tell him how I now feel. To get all of this out, in the open, where it should be.

The next night I get my chance. There seems to be a perfect opening in our conversation to insert the information. To let him know "hey so I went on this coffee date, and it made me realize how much I really care for you and how I just want you and only you" That's the gist of what I'm trying to say here. Simple, right? Wrong. He is very upset and hurt. I knew he wouldn't be happy about the "date" if you can call it that, but I thought he would be happy about the results of the evening. That the conclusion it brought me to was the important part. It was, after all, the important part to me. I didn't care at all about the 20 minutes I spent absent mindedly making small talk. I didn't care about the awkward encounter ending with no contact whatsoever. I didn't care about the wasted time. Because to me it wasn't wasted. To me, it showed me what I couldn't allow myself to want all this time. It showed me where I actually stood, which is something I've been trying to figure out this whole time. It showed me that I shouldn't be scared, despite still being nervous. It showed me that I wanted to move forward. Who knows how long it would have taken me to get past all the jumble in my head and heart without this event?

So it was a mistake. Yes. It hurt this amazing man, which was never my intent. I honestly didn't realize it would upset and hurt him this much. And I regret that. Deeply. I wish I could take it back, for that reason. However, I find it difficult to fully regret something which taught me so much. How can I regret something that gave me clarity? How can something that opens a heart be a mistake?

Yes, I regret having hurt him. And I'm very sorry for that. Deeply and truly. I wish there was something more than apology I could do about that. It was never, ever my intent at all. But I still can't bring myself to regret the side of this horrible situation which gave me realization and courage to try and move past my fear. I don't know how long it would have taken me to reach this same point otherwise. This made me learn something about myself, and how to grow, and how to let go, to try and move towards removing the safe guards permanently. It showed me that I needed to, I could have never admitted that before. How can I fully regret something that helped me move forward? I can't. I wish I could have gotten to this point without upsetting him. I wish I had stumbled upon these answers by some other means. But I didn't. I definitely would take back hurting him if I could, no question about that. But on the other hand I'm extremely glad and grateful that I was able to get here at all.

So now I meet with this amazing man I've fallen for tonight. To talk. To discuss. To see if it's possible to straighten this out. There is no guarantee I can. This may have been a deal breaker. This could potentially be the end. What a cruel irony, now I've finally figured out what I want and the way I figure it out could be the end of it. What happens if my discovery process is also the way I lost my discovery? Cruel, cruel irony. It's like a sick joke. But either way, I'm thankful I was able to see all of this. And if I have to move on, I'm a big tough girl so that's exactly what I'll do. Hopefully I can use this learning experience to help me later as well. Scratch that, hopefully I don't have to. Hopefully all of his trust in me isn't destroyed. Hopefully he can see that I didn't mean it to turn into this. Hopefully this hasn't dissolved his feelings for me.

I'm crossing my fingers that there is still something left to salvage. Only our talk tonight will be able to tell me. I'm freaking out and completely scared again, but now for an entirely different reason than before. It's funny how that works. Crystal, that's me...always a walking contradiction.

Yo-yo? Puppet? Toy? Oh boy!

Another bellowing? Yes. I believe it's time once again. However, I need you to bear with me folks, I'm trying something new. Not my typical ranting style...but this just popped into my head and I decided I needed to jot it down. Even if the only result from doing so is just to clear my mind. It may be complete rubbish, but in order to find the diamond in the rough, you have to dig through all the rubble, right? You can't have the gems without someone getting dirty. So here's my way of getting a little mud on the tires? Or something like that.

And so if this becomes my worst post ever, so be it. Not every post can be pure gold. This blog is my emotional outlet. So brace yourselves, because here I go:



I was just a girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, but that never got me anywhere. Like a fool, I kept my heart on a string, setting the stage for all this puppetry. Now I've learned that all those strings only make for vulnerability, they make me ready for the tugging.
Oh, you never could resist tugging at my heart strings, could you? And so, I never realized I was meant for your personal entertainment, but eventually that's how it always went. Every time, I was your whimsical puppet.
Like a yo-yo on my string, you throw me away and then pull me back again.
And again, and again. Round and round, up and down, back and forth.
I never can tell if you're coming or going. Or is it me that's doing all the running?
It always ends the same, and I'm left sitting on the curb just trying to tie off my frayed tips. Until the next time you beckon me one way or another. What if I told you I'm different than anyone you've ever known? You wouldn't notice anyway. Do you ever hear the words that I say?
It's a difficult moment when you realize you've been nothing but a pawn. A pawn in somebody's game. Elaborate or not, the games are never what I want in the end. So I'm letting go, or at least attempting so.
To free my battered heart, perhaps I need to cut these strings. Yes, cut these strings right off.
I once tried boxing this fragile heart up and keeping it on a shelf, which only left me stagnant.
It's time to fly, solo or not I'm looking toward the sky. I know this means leaving you behind, but I'll tell you one thing, boys...this yo-yo here, is through being a toy.
Next time you call, I may not be found. Next time you tug, I'll be long gone. It's okay though, you won't miss me all that much. Because you've always known that toys never did last forever.


***DISCLAIMER*** Before anybody has a chance to get all "up in arms" about this one let me just make sure to state that this post is NOT about any one particular person at all. It's about several situations, all combined. It's about this horrible pattern I've found myself stuck in. It's about ME. About how I feel. It's not about anyone else. No one person in mind. Just me, and the things I've been through all together.
Actually no, scratch that. If somebody wants to get all worked up about it, it's not my fault they have a guilty conscience. Why should I walk on egg shells anyway? Think whatever you want!


Oh yeah, and until next time, just don't forget to breathe!

No, I can't read your fortune! I'm a HAZMAT not a crystal-ball.

Another late night rambling? Yep. Here we go.

So here I sit. Unable to sleep. Too much on my mind, yet again. Meekly trying to solve my problem with an episode of the "Big Bang Theory" playing in the background. An unsuccessful attempt, as the thoughts continue raging. At least, I THINK that is what's happening here. Something along those lines anyway.

Why is it that feelings always get in the way? Blasted emotions. Always undermining me. Constantly working towards my demise. I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned this before, but I hate feelings. And apparently they hate me as well.

I start really liking a person, and I immediately start sabotaging things somehow. Sometimes I don't even notice. These walls around my heart are ever changing. Like a rubix cube. I'm not a girl, I'm a freaking puzzle! Even to myself at times.

It doesn't help when there are very reasonable doubts involved before the feelings are. Who needs to work against unreasonable odds when dating and feelings are hard enough before adding in these unreasonable odds?

Connections are difficult to make. And it seems the best ones I make are connections that can't work. Go figure. I've been saying that I'm broken for a long time, I guess I'm just collecting more proof of this lately. But why? Why can't I ever develop feelings in a situation that makes sense? I'm like my own personal HAZMAT. Give me bad situations, and that's where the emotions thrive. Logic? Screw that. We all know that matters of the heart are never logical, I guess that supplies the logic here.

I'm sick of feelings. I'm sick of caring. I'm sick of being scared. This stuff freaks me out, for real. Oh yeah, and about that, I'm also sick of being freaked out. Can I please just be 5 years old again? Things were so much simpler back when climbing trees, what to bring for show and tell, and can I reach the cookie jar were my biggest concerns in life. Oh sweet childhood. We never know what a treasure we hold with childhood, until it has already eluded us. What a cruel irony.

And back to my current issues. When I tell you "I don't trust people"...well, my dear, I'm not trying to make you angry or upset with that statement. I'm telling you the truth. Sorry to say, I'm not exaggerating. I honestly don't.

Once upon a time, I was one of those gullible girls who unconditionally believed in fairy tale esque things like true love, soul mates, and that everybody met that special someone. No question about it, I just knew it was true. Unlike the fairy tales, it doesn't actually happen that way. I can't honestly say that I still believe these things. Every once in a while my hope is momentarily restored. When I see those happy elderly couples. Still in love after so many years. No question in anybody's mind that they belong together. Still.

Those couples that make anyone feel warm and fuzzy inside, just looking at them. Still going strong in the elderly years. Still made for each other. The perfect matches. Two halves of a whole. And that love bug bites me again. But only for a moment, until I remember that we live in a different world these days. Things aren't like that anymore. And then I remember why these things freak me out. And I'm right back here, building more walls around myself to try and keep people out.

So now I don't trust people. Now I'm skeptical of everything and everyone, especially when it comes to my emotions and feelings. Is this the road to crazy cat lady status? Perhaps. Hermit-ville here I come? Who knows. Am I becoming cynical? Possibly. I've said this before, and for the record yes I do know it's a terrible joke, but here it is anyway. My name may be Crystal, but I don't own a crystal ball...I can't tell the future. I don't know how things will turn out. And I don't know how to navigate this effectively.

In any case, to whomever it may concern: I don't intend to upset you by my self built hazards. It accidentally happens occasionally. I do apologize, in a way, though I can't take back the fact that I feel skeptical about the situation. It's not a judgement of you, but of the world. I don't trust people, with good reason. Unfortunately that does include you at this point. Wish it didn't, but it does. And so, here I sit, unable to sleep, and ranting again.

Confusing situations in the emotional world of me. Confusing indeed.

And again, until next time, don't forget to breathe.

Strip poker...for the soul

I suppose tonight is as good as any for one of my rambling blog rants. So here's what's on my mind this time (That is, if you're prepared for another of my crazy thoughts and some more terrifying insight into my head. Otherwise I suggest you stop reading here):

We, as people, can only ever be as great as we allow ourselves to be. Now when I speak of greatness here, I'm not talking about being a super hero, or a world leader, or being renowned, or legendary, or going down in history books. I'm talking about a simple greatness. Some of the greatest people in the world, and in history, go unknown. Undocumented. It's a simple kind of wonderful. But so many people don't ever allow themselves to attain it. For whatever reasons.

For myself it's not about you, or that other girl, or that guy, or "them" whoever them might be. It's not about anybody else at all. It's about me, and only me.

And as for all the rest of you, whomever may be reading these words. For any of you, it's not about me. It's not about that guy living down the street with the cute dog. Or about "that bitch" at work who you're convinced is out to get you. Or the "know it all" in class. It's not about him, her, or that other person. It's not about "them". It's not even about God. It's about you, and only you. Nothing else.

What kind of person do YOU want to be? What can you live with...or die with?

If you were to pass on tomorrow with no more time to change or to do better next time, would you be content with the life that you have lived? Just the one thus far?

Let's forget about religion for a minute here. Set EVERYTHING aside. Religion, society, acceptable social "norms", stereotypes, everything. Drop it all for a moment and just think. Peer inside your own mind. Your own thoughts. Stop letting everything and everyone else think for you, and just think for yourself on this one. Look inside yourself. Only there, not anywhere else. Not to what somebody else has told you to be right or wrong. This is about what YOU define as right or wrong. We're all capable of deciphering this without prompting, yet so many of us never do...

What is right? What is wrong? What is going to make you proud of the person that you are? What is going to help you go to bed at night KNOWING that you have done right? That you have done what's best? That you have made a difference? That you have had a glimmer of greatness?

Do you want to be that jerk in traffic who speeds up when a blinker turns on? Or do you want to be the person who makes room to let the car change lanes? The asshole that cuts somebody off and nearly causes an accident because you're not paying attention and are in a hurry? Or the one who is cautious and courteous?

Do you want to be the person who is too busy avoiding eye contact with other human beings while out in the world that you are oblivious to your surroundings? Or do you want to be the one who notices the woman behind you in the checkout line, with her small child, who only has two items so you let her go ahead of you in line?

Are you the type of person who just walks past, ignoring the elderly woman who dropped her groceries across the floor? Or are you the type to see it, and stop to help her retrieve them all?

You can decide which person to be. You can control your destiny in this way. YOU and only you. Nobody else can make you be a better person. Not your parents. Not your friends. Not your significant others. Not even God. It is something you must decide for yourself, and work toward yourself. For you. Because YOU want it. Not because somebody else told you to.

Let everyone else worry about themselves and their own decisions. Let them all decide which person they will be on their own. Just worry about you, and who you want to be. Let everything else fall away. Just work on your own goals. Because in the end nothing else matters. That person who decided to be a jerk...if you let that make YOU decide to be a jerk, where does that get you? Is that who you pictured yourself becoming as a child growing up? What would four year old you think of current you?

Be kind, courteous, considerate. Waiting five seconds to hold the door open for the stranger behind you is not going to kill you. It won't even make you late! But sharing a smile. The thought behind the gesture, that can mean the difference between gloom and hope in a person's day. You never know how simple things like that can instantly turn a mood around, with so little effort. That, my friends, is how we can achieve greatness right there. Is waiting five seconds to extend such a small gesture really any sort of sacrifice? I would say that it is not, but maybe that is just me. Which was my original point, that's all that matters. So I will try to do this, because it's what I want for myself.

Allow yourself to be great. Greatness isn't about fame, or fortune, or looks, or charm. It's about character. It's about setting out to be the best person you can be. The very best you. Becoming that person that you want yourself to be.

It's not about being perfect, it's about trying. Making an effort each day. Success or failure is often measured with a skewed scale in our modern world. It's not about keeping up with the Jones'. It's about keeping up with your inner self, or rather about not losing sight of that self.

A smile is contagious, so why not spread it around? Who knows, you might even manage to spread it to yourself! You could spontaneously go from a forced smile to a habitual one without even realizing it. All as part of the process of doing whatever it is that you define as right, you could stumble upon happiness and contentment.

I know, it's a shocker. You probably didn't realize that there was a disease which did good instead of harm. Smiling is that disease. Give it a try, I'm sure that you won't regret contracting this ailment.

And even a step farther than the all wonderful smile, is laughter.

Laughter is quite possibly my favorite thing on this entire planet! I'd say that it might even be the most brilliant treasure that we, as a species, possess. Sharing a laugh with someone can carry the weight of the world, and all my worries away. I'm not quite sure how, but it just does. All those moments where I feel in my life "it's either laugh or cry" where things seem so awful it can't be real and yet it is, but somehow I get through it. When you think about it, those are always the stories you laugh about later. The stories that are the most fun to tell and re-tell. And on the flip side, also the stories that are the most fun to hear from others. So if you can laugh in the moment as well, it just might make the punches that much easier to roll with. But that, again, is one of those "at least for me" moments.

I would suggest you give some of these things a try. But don't do it because I said so. It's not about me, it's about you. Do what makes you great, in your own definition of greatness. Not in someone else's definition. Just remember that you are the only thing standing in your way for this. Try not to be afraid to step out of your own way. You may be surprised with the results. Who knows, it may even catch on, one person at a time, making the world a more pleasant place. Even if only making it more pleasant in your own interactions, that's still a step. It's still a glimmer of greatness. Is it not?

Just some food for thought. Or you know, maybe just another of my pointless rantings.

In any case, don't forget to breathe!

Just call me...uh...G.I. Jane??

Is it still closure if it makes you long for something you've lost even more? I am sorely missing some things right now. But knowing the truth, having more facts, that's got to be for the best right? It's always better to have more of the story than to be left in the dark. The more information you have, the more equipped you are to be able to handle any situation. In the immortal words of G.I. Joe: "Knowing is half the battle".

So in any case, I've gained a little "closure". Gained a few answers. A little knowledge...well, a little information. So it's for the best. Or, at least I THINK it's a step in the right direction.

I'm like the little engine that could, just chugging along. Chuggin' and hoping that I'm chuggin' in the right direction, hard to tell if I'm even ON the tracks sometimes, let alone on the right track. Or which direction I'm heading, whether I'm coming or going.

So on the one hand, a little closure. And on the other hand, another person in my life is just causing me to second guess myself...

It's funny how some people can make you feel like you're worth more than you once thought, and how others can make you feel like you're less than you are. Even within the same period of time. The result is me being left without a clue as to what I should do. Frustrated and confused.

Perhaps it's time to focus on other things for a while...

Well I'm going to keep this one short and sweet (for a change, seems my posts are never short! haha)

So until next time, don't forget to breathe!